THE BIG QUESTION MARK: the future.

The pressure is on at this moment in time. Although, it feels like it's convoluted (and definitely has been) at the same time does it feel like a completely rapid process too. It gives an anxious kind of vibe, one that we shouldn’t have to feel this early into our young lives, yet it still ‘means and is worth SO much’ because it apparently ‘is part of the definition to the future’ - or as society and the world around us makes it sound.

It’s scary. Call me cliche for saying that, but it really is. Especially with the amount of time we’ve had since everything was called off, we’ve had a lot more time to think (and if so, overthink. Excessively.) It really gives us the time we’ve heavily needed for ourselves, however, it does drive us off into an unhealthy way of thinking/overthinking too. And that is what scares me to the core.

If you know me well I am the absolute QUEEN at overthinking. In some ways I’m not afraid to own it, but it isn’t the best thing about me. It even stresses me out more than needed to be fair. I mean don’t get me wrong, with help from my darling group of friends, I do try to minimise the overthinking the best I can but it can be hard. It’s a working progress. I’ll get there eventually.

Linking on to the whole overthinking part of this, the time I’ve had to process has made me overthink certain aspects of the changes that are due to occur this coming autumn time. At one point was I thinking , “did I even apply for the right course? Am I even cut out to be studying the course I've applied for?” and recently did I even consider taking the whole of next year off because ‘it’s all a bit too much and too rushed to take in’.

Sometimes there’s this thought in me that thinks ‘I’m doing it because everyone else is and it’s what is expected of me, especially from people who mean so much to me. Once I hopefully start in October, I’ll be able to re-adjust myself to what hasn’t been lived in a long time. I’ve been off for about four months, going on to five and eventually seven before I start. It’s a big wave of anxiety, the whole switching game.

I know it happens though. It happens for a reason - we’re all transitioning yet again.

I guess what could be scaring me is the fact that I’m starting whatever this new journey is without my Dad. This is one of the first proper things that I’m doing without him. Well, I mean there was the rest of secondary school and sixth form somewhat included, but this is different. It’s the first where I start this new chapter without him completely. This sounds stupid, but as I’m writing this I’m sat in my room feeling the gush of tears drop down my face because it gives me a numb feeling thinking about it. It’s like I’ve been holding my Dad’s hand all this time and I’m now letting go. This sounds so harsh of me to be saying right now, but to me it’s my way of moving forward as an independent individual and trying to complete my personal journey as a young woman. {*Saying all of this makes me sound so old - I’m not, I promise}.

Me saying this doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to leave dad out of mind and forget about him - that's never going to happen. It just means that I have to complete and start what I said I would when he left by myself this time, with him living in my heart as he always has been.

Now that I think about it, it’s my way of being able to prove to the people who’ve had it hard on me, alongside the rest of the world that I can do it. It’s taken me this long and this far to get to where I am in life and far into what I want to do with my career. I know that there is something good out of all of this and going through this type of change could be something good not only for me, but everyone else that’s in the same boat too.

In my personal mind, I just want to make the people around me proud and happy. But most importantly, I want to make myself feel satisfied with what I have going on.

For such a long time have I felt shielded. What I mean by this is that throughout my childhood and sometimes even up until now that I’ve just started as a young adult, I’ve always done things to benefit others or at least do it to make other people happy. This isn’t a subject that I usually discuss purely because it’s part of my subconscious mind, I guess it’s just a habit I tend to hold on to. In short you can call me a people pleaser at times. Though, I have learnt to actually turn this into something beneficial for me or at least give off the aspect of me being a conscientious person - because if you know me well, everything has to be done in a particular way to a certain standard which I have to approve by.

I guess saying this, the older you do get the more do you realise that there will always be people that take the things you do from a selfless point of view for granted or to their advantage which has definitely allowed me to have the realisation that I have to make this next step not just for the sake of the people around me but for myself too - after all nobody else is going to manifest this apart from me. This goes the same for all young people and anyone in this world to be honest - you have to balance it out to gain that overall satisfaction, although you can’t always please or win with everybody.

What I’m trying to say is: DO THINGS FOR YOU WITH THE LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM OTHERS THAT DO LOVE YOU TO KEEP YOU GOING.

*haters really will keep hating, so we can leave them out of the picture x.

On that note, A Level results Day.

A. Big. Fat. Yay.

I was joking.

Of course I’m sh*tting my bricks about it - and if you’re in Year 13 (Class of 2020), don’t lie you definitely are too! Unless you’re an extremely chill person then good on you my dear friend.

Of course it’s normal to feel the way that you do especially given the fact that we’re only about two days away from the big reveal - yes the wait is almost over. About 6 months of playing the waiting game (longer than the traditional schedule) but I hope and pray that it’ll be worth every thought, cry, time, dedication, the whole lot.

We’ve got to think: we really are all in this together. Despite having the individual measures in place, we still studied, helped and supported each other during two years of what we can call a challenge of young time. As many have advised, if you can get through the pain of A Levels, you can get through any other working strain in your lifetime.

We’ve made it this far and there is no turning back. I feel like everything’s numb at the moment when it comes to results day because I’ve been overthinking SO MUCH over the past month or two about it that I don’t really have much mental energy in me to keep over thinking or thinking about it for that matter. I can’t tell whether that’s a good or a bad thing, but it is what it is.

I can’t say much about what is to be expected because as previously mentioned, we didn’t actually do the exams to feel a rough prediction out of it.

I can only say that I sense the feeling that I’m going to cry and I just hope that these will be tears of joy because I know it will be a big internal achievement for my own self but also a big one overall for the people around me. This again is in relation to me talking about doing it for you but with the support of the people that love you (which is the external part of this hopeful good feeling).

My word of advice for anxiety: a ritual leading up to something big for you:

• Journal ~ Write out your thoughts on a piece of paper or a book. Break it down into bullet points, pictures, doodles, whatever you want, as long as you understand and can say how you feel in written form - that’s a good type and sense of inner release.

• Meditate ~ Listen to ASMR tracks, meditation music or literally sit in silence. This enables you to give yourself some ‘me’ time away from the world and the environment around you for a little bit, to think, breathe and reflect.

• *If you are a religious/spiritual person: Pray ~ No matter how big or small of a prayer you make, He is there, listening and taking in what you need to let out. Read the scriptures and use this as a guideline to maintain your safe and calm mind.

• Hydrate ~ You ought to be ALIVE and HEALTHY during the kind of anxious pit and situation you may be experiencing. Remember: Hydration is key people!!

• Talk ~ You’re not on your own when it comes to this. Talking helps, believe me. There will always so often be somebody that will be in either the same boat as you or thinking/feeling something similar. Discussion can be such a taboo thing in this circumstance, but it is needed and you’ll feel the benefit of this type of release.

• Listen ~ Hear what someone else may have to say, whether it’s advice, help or the other person just wanting to release them from their radar too. This can bring some comfort to you if you’re not much of a talker, knowing that someone may be feeling this type of vulnerability can allow you to feel vulnerable but safe all in the same way too.

*On that note:

Good luck all A Level and GCSE students of this year receiving their grades and I genuinely send so many hugs and all my love to you during this relapse of uncertainty - we can only hope that this is the last time education turns uncertain for us.

x

11|09|2020