Dear Dad,: Another Year of Acceptance...

If you've been keeping up with my posts since the very beginning, you'll know that I post a yearly reflection about my journey with grief, bereavement and loss over the past couple of years since loosing my dad. Today's post will be that post.

If you're a new reader or haven't touched upon my material before, I appreciate you taking the time to read and follow along with what I've got to say with the words that I've written.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but tomorrow (05/May) marks another year since loosing my dad. That day will always be an instant memory yet it will still be a distant one, all because I don't want to think of it so much.

Instead of writing up my usual type of post, this year I felt that writing a letter to my dad would be a lot more easier to construct, being a lot more insightful to read (on your side as the reader). Some may think that my letter to him might be a very personal thing, but I felt that it might be good to publish to make things a bit different and potentially creative (as if writing a letter is creative, but you know what I mean).

Please feel free to read as much or as little as you like. Take away what you will from today's piece.

p.s

I send a massive thank you via virtual hugs and kisses to every single soul that has been a true help with everything that has happened over the span of the 5 years of loss, change and most importantly the growth that I've experienced over time. You have all created such a warm and strong support system that I can never repay in its full amount, ever.

Dear Dad,

I've found it so hard to sit down and think about all of this because I genuinely don't want to believe that you've been gone for this long. 

That whole day when we lost you only feels like it happened yesterday, yet it feels like I haven't seen you in forever. There are the days where I really did wish you were here (really badly). But at the same time, I've come to much relief knowing that you're in a safer place compared to all those years going back. 

The past couple of years have been both amazing and extremely difficult. There have been a myriad of things that I've done where I want to have you here in person to witness it all. I always wonder if you see all the things that I'm currently doing in life, trying my best in achieving all the things we spoke about when you were still here. That's the hardest part of it all, the indefinite long distance resulting in not knowing what exactly your thoughts are towards the choices I've made and the ones that I'm currently making. 

It would be wrong of me to say that I don't feel the signs or signals from you because I do. I really do. I feel that sense of guidance and hope from you on the days that I need it the most. It's just the idea of not having you here in physical form - that's what hurts even up until now. I feel that anyone who has lost someone so important has experienced that kind of feeling and it's hard to explain how it feels exactly. I can only imagine you feeling a similar way, being on the other side, having that separation from mum and I. 

It took so much time for me to gain confidence again, to keep living the new normal without seeing you everyday.

After a long period of time I now find myself feeling a lot better knowing that you're still in my heart, living somewhere around me. 

You were ill for awhile (5 years to be exact) and now you've been gone for 5 - I still can't tell which one hurts more, seeing you go through so much pain for such a prolonged period of time or not having you here. I guess most would say that a bit of both would be the rational answer to give. 

I think that the past 10 years in total have been more than just a character builder. It's given me the opportunity of realising that there is so much worth out of the life we get given: gaining the confidence in myself and the choices that I make, growing from the plenty mistakes that I'm not proud of making, managing a variation of responsibilities, beginning to figure myself out and most importantly, knowing that if you can go through something so tough and emotionally challenging (like grief itself), you can get through anything in the world that we live in. 

All of the things I listed above, I don't think I would've been able to get through if it weren't for you simply being the best father that anyone can ever ask for. I'm also extremely grateful to have amazing people supporting and caring for me when times are rough - I genuinely don't know what I would've done without them and their constant support. They're a true blessing to have.

There are the days where I still lie on my bed and ball my eyes out until I have no more tears left to cry. I still have panic attacks and experience waves of feeling depressed on some days. I've had to cope with it (as any other person would) and taken plenty out of it. 

In the past, when first loosing you, I had people tell me that it gets better over time. I like to say that it's just more of you having to adapt yourself to each level of grief you go through over the years. 

You can move forward, but never really move on. You can keep growing but never really let go of the memories and thoughts that come to mind.

Time continues to move forward. People move on with their lives. A new day comes along. 

I, on the other hand, still find myself in a similar place to where I was back when I was a 14 year old teenager who had just lost her dad, not knowing where to go from this big transition. That's a feeling that will potentially stick with me in various ways. That sounds sad but it's one of the reasons why I do the things I do and why I'm the person that I've grown to become today. This is why I say that pity shouldn't be felt towards one when they go through a loss, it's always more of understanding what they've been through to understand them as the person that they establish themselves to be.

Numb. 

That's all I can really say and feel during the month of May, because it's not an easy one. Your anniversary is just for a day but the effect lingers on for the whole month. 
There are elements that make me feel reflective and proud of how far I've come, dealing with this change of not having you here everyday. I can say that this is still the tip of the iceberg, but I know I'll get there in good time.

Thank you Dad for taking care of us back then and even now from a distance. Thank you for being a positive influence to not only myself, but to any other beautiful soul that misses you being here too. Thank you for everything. 
All of this can only mean so much to me more than you will ever know. I hope you know that.

Another year of accepting that you're gone means that it's another year of us knowing that you're going on another year of being safe and are living in complete happiness.

That's what I've only ever wanted for you, to be happy - please keep living that way, wherever you are. 


Love always,

Mary Jane
x~x~x~x

04|05|2021

*iloveuforeveralways*