cracks form; breaking on the inside.

The lockdown continues.

Everything remains remote and distant.

We're almost hitting one whole year since all of this even started.

We've gotten through it and that is an achievement.

We're also starting to see a lot more sunlight and soon-to-come, longer days (hopefully warmer ones too).

Don't we all love a good poetic start to these posts?

Hi, hello, hola, bonjour,

Wherever you may be reading this and whoever you may be - hey! How are you doing? I'd really like to know.

It's been a while (as it usually is each time I post) I know.

But I am back with something that I think hits quite close to home for many of you beautiful people on here, or even for someone else that you may have close to heart.

I'm going to get straight to the point with this.

I've been bottling up. Everything. Emotion wise of course.

I've found it so hard to open up as of lately, many reasons which I find to not even be that big of a deal.

But it has made me realise that it is always SO important to talk to someone: no matter how big or small of a deal it is.

Whatever you feel on the inside will always be valid to be spoken about with the ones who truly care about you.

I'll be honest, there have been the dark nights, a few crying sessions here and there, an increase in no motivation and just the constant cycle of nothingness. Who am I to be talking about all of this anyway? So many are going through something similar and we are all going through the process of the lockdown blues.

But what I wonder is if anyone has opened up about the way that they're feeling.

Talk to someone.

Easier said than done, we all know that.

I'm suggesting it and yet I still struggle to speak out my feelings.

I think it's been tough to open up just because people have their own lives and own worries to be focussing on. I think that especially not seeing people as often anymore (due to the climate that we're in) has made me loose the skill to be able to talk - physically speaking.

Please someone tell me I'm not the only one here!

I'm not trying to come across as a display of being self-centred, but I feel that writing this out is my outlet, my space of letting loose, if you'd call it that.

It's an isolating feeling on the inside. Being trapped in my own thoughts. Having that limitation of what you can and can't do.

I'm at home on my own most of the time.

Being an only child, having stayed home for uni, my mum working (gotta love her for all that she does) - it's the same day in day out, really.

I feel that it is the psychological mind getting to grips with the repetitiveness of life and waking up to my own company can be dull. Don't get me wrong, it can feel nice having my own self at hand sometimes, but it isn't an everyday feeling. It can feel quite draining sometimes.

They say self isolation; it's growing into mental isolation I think.

It goes like this.

You wake up in the mornings.

Ready for the day.

Do the thing that you have scheduled.

Finish for the day.

Stare into space.

Then question what is there to do next.

Sometimes you just sit waiting for the time to pass until it gets to the evening when you have to get ready for the next day again.

You get to bed.

Read.

Watch something.

Lights out.

Then the tears start coming through.

It's the feeling of being lonely on the inside.

It gets to the point of you having to say (out loud) how you feel to the house that you live in, instead of an actual person.

It's not healthy.

But what else is there to do, when you don't want to bother anyone else because they've got enough problems of their own?

Take the deep breaths.

Cry the emotions out.

Pick it back up again.

and

Smile.

That's how it's been going for me lately.

I don't exactly know why.

But I don't like the feeling.

When someone asks me how I am. I say that I'm doing okay. Because in the moment, I am doing okay.

Behind the scenes, I'm holding everything in. Because for a second that I'm talking to anyone in person, I forget that I ever was in that dark place of mine.

I don't want to be sad and lonely. That's not how one should be feeling.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

Now that you've read the way how I feel, I don't want anyone thinking or saying to me 'you should have told me,' because I cannot express how hard it is to even say that not everything is okay. I know that this is the case for some who haven't been feeling themselves too.

All I want is for someone to tell me that it is going to be okay.

That it's okay to feel the way that I am feeling.

I just want someone to listen to what I have to say.

I miss the idea of human interaction, now that I think about it - because I realise how much I like talking and talking to others. I've been silent for too long.

If you are going through something, it is always a big achievement when you get to that stage to branch out and tell someone how you're feeling.

This is my way of branching out, because I know I'm not the only one feeling this mental isolation and I want you to know that you are not on your own (I send BIG hugs whilst saying this).

Even the happiest of people sometimes do feel sad on the inside. But it's hard to highlight this if one seems fine on the outside.

But it will be okay, always.

Have faith that it will be okay.

I say this and I am trying so hard to feel the faith right now.

The thing is, it's also not as easy to be able to be the one to ask if someone is okay and how they are actually doing.

If you feel like you fall into this category, you are not alone either.

Take it in steps, because a simple question goes a long way.

1. Check in on a person every now and again (not as a chore or therapist, but as their friend).

2. Ask about how they really have been - assuring them that there is time to talk.

3. Listen - this is the key thing to focus on. Sometimes it is easier for the other person to say how they feel without an instant comment or response in return.

4. Suggest an activity (virtual in the current case that we're in) - it's the thought of being interactive that allows distraction and endorses reassurance that everything is going better than it seems.

5. Tell someone that you are always there for them - even when they seem fine (you never really know how someone may be feeling on the inside).

For the person that's feeling low right now, three words:

Speak

To

Someone.

There are SO many individuals that care deeply about you and are there for you, because you are amazing after all.

I send all my love to each person who has read up to this point.

Thank you for reading, always.

x

15|03|2021