Say it out loud: it's okay not to be okay.

{internally screams before typing} *note to self: BREATHE.

Okay..

To start off, I hope you - yes you reading this - are enjoying the start to the beautiful Summer season and that the month of June has brought a long feel of happiness and many smiles for you!

This post is a very big eye opener for me because lately, there's just been a whole ray of overwhelming feelings surrounding me and the current chapter that I'm working on at this moment in time.

I won't go into too much detail, due to the fact that I feel that this one may be a bit too personal, but I want you to know that I'm getting back on track and I am working on myself the best that I can.

The past month has actually been the hardest, mentally and emotionally. Now, I know the month of May (as I've always said) will always be a hard one due to the sentimentality of it, but June saw similar but also very different. It gave me a lot of time to think, maybe a bit too much - leading me to experience a time filled with so much panic and confusion.

I'll be honest, I kept the uncertain feeling to myself until very recently due to a variety of reasons: I didn't want to bother anyone with my 'nonsense' and I wasn't really sure if it was that serious or not.

What can I say? This gradually escalated and made me feel as if I genuinely exploded on the inside with all sorts of feelings coming out.

Overthinking + Thoughts and feels escalating = a panic attack.

That's right. Breaking point for me meant that it I ended up experiencing a week's worth of panic attacks and randomly crying out of nowhere.

All that, and I still didn't know how or why all of this emotion was triggered. That's what confused me and made me feel different to the normal self that I'm usually familiar with.

At first, was I concerned that I'd gone through another depression relapse - but I didn't feel deeply sad to conclude it to that.

I soon realised that it was just everything that I had, and still do have, going on colliding into one - making it too much for me to process all at once. It was a shock to the system. It was anxiety.

Everything is absolutely fine at one point and then it feels like it's all breaking and falling apart, leading to up to a huge blur, a vagueness into life causing me to feel somewhat suffocated and blank out completely.

You may be thinking: "Oh no! Queue the dramatic effects music!!!" *plays intense orchestral music in the background. - she's exaggerating, again..

But with all jokes aside: I genuinely felt scared and worried.

There's no other way to put it. I was scared for many things and I'm still trying to piece myself back together again after all of the uncertainty.

Now that I think about it, I guess I just buried all my emotions and threw them aside. I sort of neglected that emotional side to me - causing even more of a puzzle to my own self.

I knew I had to branch out and get some sort of help. It was time for me to be pro-active, making my first step all over again.

Burying my inner thoughts had me frustrated to my wits end.

In this case, I had made the decision to make a slight return to counselling (the online option this time round). When I mean slight, it was a three day thing (communicating over email) which actually helped me to clear my mind and go over what was actually causing all of this to happen.

To summarise, it was the collection of things that had happened to me in the past time and I guess you could consider everything else that's going on right now in the present, all combined into one, driving me fill my free time with all the ridiculousness called overthinking.

From seeking the online help that I was in much need of, I learnt that for one to overthink during this time is completely rational and understandable and how it's out of anyone's control. It's true. There's really nothing you can do to control the way how you think and feel sometimes. It's natural.

Even through actions, during my recent time of confusion: getting triggered very easily for no reason, crying in the middle of the night to blocking out a lot of things around me (it was not healthy at all) did I learn that it's okay not to be okay due to this being a huge part of you attempting to rebuild yourself from a natural situation that you may be going through.

Affirm: There is a light at the end of every tunnel.

In some way, I thought to myself: you never know unless you try - in regards to me opening up to a professional stranger (otherwise known as counselling) or opening up to someone close to me.

It doesn't hurt to speak out loud sometimes.

I guess the unhealthy part about all of this was that I bottled up my feelings over the past few weeks of this month. Thinking back, it feels so good having released how I feel out loud to a minority of individuals.

I'm sharing this recent experience of mine based on anxiety and confusion so that anyone feeling this way can realise that it really is okay not to be okay and being able to speak out about what may be potentially too much for one is often the beneficial way to go. Well, that instead of anyone wanting to throw a pity party over me - I'd rather not, thank you for the kind gesture though.

It's been about a week since my mind metaphorically 'got to breaking point' and I feel lot lighter in my mind and soul purely because I had broken down how I was feeling and why it was affecting me so much. I commend the online counselling service I used and a few of my personal angels who are there all day, everyday for me.

Everything is in front of you, don't be afraid to use it.

The coping mechanisms when you're feeling anxious (what I've learnt to do for future purposes):

• {what} Break down the types of emotions you're dealing with.

• {how} Think about the certain aspects of your life that may be potentially affecting you emotionally/mentally.

• {why} Think why are these aspects affecting you: is it an individual thing or is it everything together overwhelming you?

• {when} The time is all yours. Act upon it as soon as you can, but only at your own pace. Speak to someone, anyone - you aren't a bother to anyone, trust me.

It's okay not to be okay.

Use your words to speak about how you feel.

Use your sources of guidance to act upon how you feel.

If you need a reminder: You are a strong person as it is, remember that.

x

28|06|2020