lockdown and lockup.

a creative piece (w/k:15nov20)

*Note to reader: if you won't read this until the end, I suggest that you don't start something you can't finish love. Have a great day x

the darker days have allowed me to think darker thoughts.

i've gained the ability to focus on what i've been burying in the back of my mind from a while back.

the things that go on in my mind, i keep separate to the things i commit myself to on a daily basis: school, work, my social life, home.

this gives me the chance to focus on those things with my undivided attention and sadly my dark thoughts included.

my definition of dark: the sudden switch from a smile and a laugh to a cry and sense of loss and dullness.

ask me why has it been triggered. i can't give you a reason why - i wish i knew myself.

the other night.

i couldn't sleep.

i've been having a lot of sleepless nights lately.

my solution: listed down below

i go downstairs.

with a blanket over myself.

sat in the seat that my dad used to sit in.

my place of warmth and comfort.

and then it happens.

i sit.

think.

freeze.

cry.

over.

and.

over.

again.

developing.

my.

thoughts.

into.

a.

pit.

of.

fogginess.

I feel the tears drip.

drip.

multiply.

collect.

fuck sake.

now i look like a train wreck.

i feel like one too.

after my time of releasing.

i feel the relief of being able to:

b r e a t h e

again.

i don't require anyone's pity or attention.

i just want someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay.

is that too much for me to ask?

sometimes it feels like it is.

so i just keep my thoughts to myself. keep quiet. move along.

there is just so much that goes on in a day that i don't have time to myself.

or as said, time to breathe.

that's how it is now to be honest.

some will say, i've got to deal with it and i'll be okay. some have said that to me every time i try to open up.

i get dismissed.

leading me to:

scream on the inside.

because i didn't come here to be spoken to.

to be lectured:

on how i haven't been doing enough of something.

on how everything will be okay.

on how i'm just overthinking (overthinking drowns one, by the way).

i've come here to be heard.

i want someone to listen to me for five minutes.

to amplify the way how i've been feeling.

that is all.

because now,

i'm breaking emotionally

on the inside.

some often don't see it because it's hidden.

and i don't expect anyone to realise it either.

the shorter days are a contribution to this feeling.

it makes one feel vulnerable.

scared.

sensitive.

shitty, even.

i know it's not just me feeling this way.

there are so many people out there (nearer than you think) in the same boat.

but we keep these a secret behind closed doors for so many reasons.

lockdown + SAD season = ?

is another thing.

why?

don't question.

check up.

on people.

see if they're okay.

hear what they have to say.

it will save them.

from having to feel those days of darkness.

the nights of self pity.

the periods of panic and anxiety attacks.

the cries.

the down days.

it will save them from having to feel this way consistently.

it will reassure them.

that everything is going to be okay.

i'm done now.

x

20|11|20